Dear MELI,
My daughter is suffering right now. She is a young woman, not yet 20 years old, and she has numerous medical and mental issues that heavily impact her life. She is resistant to getting help, and since she is technically an adult, as her parents we can’t make her seek medical treatment. How do I help her?
Sincerely,
Where To Begin
Dear Where To Begin,
I’m so sorry your daughter, and you by extension, are suffering right now. As a parent myself I understand and empathize with how challenging it must be for you to watch your daughter struggle. Most of us would walk through fire and then some to help our children when they are in need, yet not everyone we offer help to is willing to accept it, not even our kids.
Your question reminded me of a life experience I had when I was a young adult myself. I had a co-worker for a period of time, I’ll call her Chloe. Chloe was slightly younger than I was but had already lived a very challenging life by the time we met. She had gone through the foster care system, had battled drug addiction, and was trying to raise a young child as a single mom on a working class wage. She and I had led completely different lives up until the point we had met, yet it turns out we were more alike than I realized at the time.
Chloe, for likely her entire life, had lived in chaotic and challenging situations. Her nervous system was in a constant state of dysregulation. Are you familiar with that concept, Where To Begin? To put it another way, Chloe lived her life in various stages of fight or flight. The challenges of her life never allowed her nervous system to achieve a rest and digest state. Chloe coped by using drugs and alcohol. She had trouble caring for her son consistently. Trouble showing up for work consistently. Trouble forming healthy and safe platonic and romantic relationships consistently. Chloe sometimes confided to me about her hardships, and while I tried to be supportive, I myself did not know where to begin to really help her.
Did I realize then how similar I was to Chloe at the time? Absolutely not. I had no personal recognition at the time of my own dysregulation. I lacked the self awareness to even understand that my personal coping mechanisms were in place just as Chloe’s were – because I was dysregulated to the point of being in near constant fight or flight state. Extremely different life experiences, but both operating daily with dysregulated nervous systems and not understanding at the time that we both had it within our own power to begin to heal ourselves. It took me almost two decades to realize that Chloe and I, and most of us really, are much more alike than I thought.
I share this story with you to drive home the message that I believe dysregulation is the current human condition. It impacts me, it impacts you, it impacts your daughter, Where To Begin. I say this not to assign blame but to bring awareness. Each of us, especially in this world we live in today, experience one-time and/or recurring life experiences and traumas that upset our equilibrium, or bring us into dysregulation. Where to begin is by learning about the nervous system. Research the vagus nerve, and google how to improve vagal tone. Even with our varied life experiences we all can do rather simple things at home to bring our bodies and our nervous system back into a regulated state. Examples of how to improve vagal tone include: mindful breathwork, cold water exposure, probiotics, humming/singing, meditation and more. I highly encourage you to google away on this topic, find out what works best for you, and share your new knowledge with your daughter. You can find more resources for the vagus nerve on our website at www.melidaily.com.
So many of the physical and mental manifestations of nervous system dysregulation are prevalent in our culture today. Substance abuse, autoimmune disorders and inflammation, gut health issues, mood disorders, mental health concerns, I could go on and on. In my opinion most of what western medicine takes as a signal to prescribe a prescription is really our body telling us that we need to come back into balance. Science is beginning to understand how very tied-in most of these conditions are to poor vagal tone and a dysregulated nervous system. The key, Where To Begin, is to realize that you can untie your own hands, just as your daughter can do as well.
I often wonder what happened to Chloe. The last time I saw her she was having a combative argument with her then-boyfriend outside of work one day. She left with him that day and then called in to work the next day to say she wouldn’t be coming back. I hope that she has found some peace and regulation in her journey through life.
We all carry within us the ability to heal ourselves. We, each of us, are more similar than we think, Where To Begin. Despite our geographic location or our different life circumstances, each of us in our amazing, miraculous and complex bodies have the ability to begin real change. I am not a Doctor, but I can point to my own positive life experience with my vagus nerve journey. Begin your own work first, understand if and how dysregulated your nervous system is and endeavor to bring it into regulation. Model the action, behaviors and healing for yourself, and then help your daughter understand that when she is ready to begin she too has the very powerful ability within her to start her own self-healing journey.
xo,
MELI